Some people struggle with being by themselves all the time. This post will explain why and how to stay happy alone.
Be warned. This a very long post, so long it was meant to be an ebook. So bookmark this if you’re quite busy and come back to it when you have 30 minutes to spare.
Let’s start with some unhealthy ideas lonely people have.
Misconceptions about loneliness
Some people have an idea of how life should work, and it hurts when they realize life doesn’t work that way.
You want to be happy all the time. You want this life to be like paradise, singing, merry, partying, a place where you get everything you want.
But life is not like that.
Instead, life is messy, good, sweet, adoring, overwhelming, filled with bumps, sometimes sad, and sometimes great.
So I need you to understand this part of life before we move further into the post and discuss how to be happy alone.
We will talk about the challenges people feel when alone, which leads to loneliness (these are two different things), such as sex, handling relationships, rejections, boredom, etc.
It’s normal to be sad sometimes when things don’t go your way, or the results you want are far off the table. It’s okay to sit down, cry and meditate.
Acknowledge that feeling; I am sad because I didn’t get what I wanted. This isn’t really loneliness.
Differentiating Sadness, Loneliness, and Depression
I need to put a warning before we continue. Please seek medical and professional advice if you experience any severe depression. Please.
This post is for those who live or work alone and always feel like they aren’t normal. It is for those who want to move from being attention-seeking and emotionally overdependent people to being in control of how they feel at all times. It’s about how to stay happy alone.
To understand better, I need to explain three things:
It’s a state of dissatisfaction, and it is usually temporary. For example, if you lose your wallet, you will likely feel sad.
When you are alone, you are not talking to or seeing anyone. It’s like another word for single, but it’s more specific. You can be with someone and still be alone. Alone is a state of my mind. I’m typing this post from my room, and no one else is here. I am alone. I don’t want anyone to be here right now because I need silence.
It’s loneliness when you start feeling the need to be with someone. When you want another presence or voice so badly, that’s loneliness. Sometimes, it is about looking for someone you can talk to about all your worries.
This state can push you to hang out with people or make you want to get laid quickly. You want attention or touch.
It is persistent sadness. It is worse than losing your purse or money. It is a sadness that won’t go away no matter what you do or try. The pain in your chest (in your head) lives there, and you don’t know how to take it out because it’s deep down there.
If this is the case, please seek medical and professional advice.
Sadness and loneliness can lead to depression, but I don’t think alone can lead to depression without going through the other two.
Alone is a state of mind you have accepted as normal. Therefore, anyone who uses the word signals to themselves that they are fine.
I am alone.
I am just alone. This isn’t bad.
On the other hand, a lonely person would say it differently, “I am lonely.”
You will attain a level of independence with your emotions, and we are about to get started.
Alone Is Not the Problem
Stop seeing being alone as a problem.
It might be a problem if you keep seeing it as one, so you first need to start seeing being alone differently.
Alone means you have a lot of time on your hands. It means you can get your life together until someone else comes into it. It means you can understand yourself.
The key thing here is time. You can do many things if you have a lot of time on your hand with no one interrupting.
Moving To A New City
Once upon a time, I moved to a new city. I was broke and trying to figure out what to do. I had just paid rent, and as a freelance writer, I’d just entered my famine season.
Heck, it was lonely. I struggle a bit, but not that much.
I was introverted, so staying alone wasn’t a big deal.
The issue was that I had no friends in this new city. So I would have to call someone in my family, and that’s different from what I was used to.
Did I keep myself indoors?
You bet I was.
I thought it was the best choice, so I did.
I was a freelance writer and an introvert, so it wasn’t completely new.
But I learned to manage myself and live it through.
If someone should come to me and say, are you lonely? I will roll my eyes at them.
I was by myself for most hours of the day and enjoyed it.
So when people use the word “loneliness,” I don’t think that’s the right word to describe me at that time.
I accepted the status as something I chose.
“Being alone” sounds better.
“All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone.”Blaise Pascal, 17th-century Philosopher & Mathematician
Being Alone and Loneliness
These are two things and should not be mixed.
I will use the life of creators as examples.
For many creatives, being alone is normal. Artists, painters, or writers can be alone for many hours, thinking, brainstorming, and working till they create their art. It is non-negotiable for most of them.
As a writer, I enjoy writing in a quiet place. With such tranquility, I write better and continue working in a flow state. Yet, I know I am just being alone during that joy of creation. After finishing a project, I could be outside again with people. Then I will no longer “be alone.”
This is called being alone.
Loneliness seems quite different. When I say I am lonely, it signifies there is no enjoyment in staying by myself. It means sitting on the couch, thinking, fantasizing, and hoping I am in a company — family, friend, an interesting person, a woman.
If it persists, it becomes a problem.
What You Are About to Learn
When I was searching online for how to cope with loneliness, I saw something online.
“Be careful, you will get to a point where you will enjoy being alone and that taking people into your life might be difficult.”
In the rest of the post, I will explain how to manage loneliness. I will also give you ideas on handling your alone time, so you don’t get too used to it.
Moderation is key.
First, What Does Loneliness Mean to You?
Loneliness isn’t the same for everyone. But there are a lot of recurring themes.
That said, let’s talk about the common answers people have when they say they are lonely.
Imagine this conversation.
YOU: I am lonely.
ME: What does that mean?
You: I… I
ME: It could be a lot of things…
1. You Are Broke
Well, this could have come second, but when I was lonely and thinking about what could change, I realized I wanted to buy things and have fun.
So yeah, loneliness at some point might mean you are broke. You want to have a lot of mad fun. But, sadly, you are incapacitated.
#2. You Are Horny
Oh, yes, this came second on the list, sadly. It could have been first.
So what do you mean by you are lonely? What is the solution?
If you say something like, hey, I want to see my boyfriend and have sex. Bingo! You are horny.
(Sex! Companionship! We will talk about this too.)
So when you say you are lonely, you might be horny.
If you are not in a relationship, you will feel frustrated.
If you have a partner, you want to be in their arms.
#3. You want to talk to someone
You want to talk to someone.
Women do this especially.
It is the time when you will call your friends and say I have a gist. It could be because they are lonely and want to talk and chat with someone instead of feeling bored and tired.
If you have at least one or two people you can (and love to) talk to daily, your battle with loneliness will feel less bordering.
So if you can solve this out of the three, you have won half your battle in loneliness. If you find this person is sexually attractive, then double wins.
4. You Want to Meet New People
It’s similar to the point above, but the difference is you are looking for a new friendship.
When the People Around Aren’t Your People
It can even be more frustrating if there are people around you, but you can’t have the kind of conversation that interests you with them. Imagine living alone, and the people you come across aren’t people you can have meaningful conversations with. Just good morning- good morning. Hello-hello.
It’s tough. You will be dying to let your ideas out and realize that no one is interested in them.
These people might want to talk to you, too, but they usually would choose the wrong topic. So, you probably would end up feeling lonelier after talking to them.
I will attend to all of these points one after the other. Now, let’s talk about the benefits of alone time.
Alone Time Can Be a Gift
When I get used to being alone, it becomes like leisure. It’s like drugs, and it’s addictive.
Your best place is your room. Your best trip is solo, and eating alone is a pleasant ride.
This state of mind can seem impossible if you are not there yet.
It’s possible for everyone, but I would rather advise against it. It’s addictive. Tolerating people in your space can become burdensome.
If you have a lot of time on your hands, you might not know how lucky you are. So, let me tell you.
Time for Learning
You can use your alone time to learn. I learned a lot on the internet, so alone time is for learning and exploring. I learned about storytelling, writing better, search engine optimization, and blogging.
I would admit that having a learning partner can be great (if you are both serious). However, it wouldn’t be great if your learning partner is unmotivated.
Let me tell you a short story.
I served my father’s land in 2020. In Nigeria, it is called the National Youth Service Corps, a one-year program in which graduates are deployed to different parts of the country to gain one-year work experience in their field of study.
During the COVID-19 outbreak, a lockdown had to be enforced. As a result, I was indoors most time. So I started looking for what to do.
I was indoors. I wrote a book.
I don’t think I will publish it, but I still have the drafts today.
Sometimes, I read an excerpt from it and say, wow, so this stuff came out of me. Wonderful!
But, that’s the product of alone time/loneliness channeled to other places.
The point is that when you feel lonely, you usually have the time to channel it somewhere else, and like me, it could be something you will be proud of for the rest of your life.
This brings me to the question, what do you enjoy doing?
Time for Brainstorming
Creative people need much alone time to brood and play with their imaginations. This is important because when you are alone, you can observe the things that come to mind. For example, these are times when an idea could come to your mind or the time you brood over an idea that you want to work on.
I have heard about wonderful books that happen because the authors decide to spend time alone and take a journey of discovery. Some of these books are:
- Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert
- Wild by Cheryl Strayed
- Travels With Charley by John Steinbeck
These are just a few. What about painters or singers?
Your guess is as good as mine.
You can use your alone time to figure out how to do your job better, develop that business idea, or make life-changing plans.
Time for Self-discovery
Who are you? What do you think most of the time? What do you want to be known for? These are things you can find answers to during your alone time.
From my experience, I realized the things I loved personally. I did a lot of things because I wanted to do them. I did solo travels. On my birthday, I decided I wanted to travel to some places. Alone. I didn’t ask for advice. No one knew about it until the exact day or a day before I took the journey.
And oh my God! I did enjoy it. I would be doing that often.
The beauty of this is that someone around you does not often influence you. Instead, you are deciding what to do by yourself, which is a new level of dependency on yourself. (You still can be influenced by what you listen to or read, but it’s quite different).
You are discovering on your terms what you love or what you don’t. You are listening to your inner voice more. The things you “love” and “want” become your target.
“People can live relatively solitary lives and not feel lonely, and conversely, they can live an ostensibly rich social life and feel lonely nevertheless.”Source: Loneliness Matters: A Theoretical and Empirical Review of Consequences and Mechanisms
Being happy, in the end, is not all about if you are living solitary or not. You can be happy while living a solitary life or feel lonely even with friends and family around you. It’s about you and your state of mind.
And that’s the point of this post — how to create a balance and do what works for you without feeling less happy.
How to Be Happy Alone
You have come a long way, and I think the point of what you have read to this extent is to change your mind about how you see alone time and loneliness.
Here’s a short recap:
Loneliness is a feeling of wanting someone around.
Alone has the same characteristics, but you’re comfortable having no one around.
You can change your mindset from Loneliness to Alone if you start asking important questions when you’re lonely.
These questions are:
- What does loneliness mean right now?
- What can I do?
- How bad is it?
So let’s move to how to be happy alone more often.
Let’s start with a simple thing you can start doing right now.
Taking Cue From the Things Around You
One day, I was listening to songs on the sound player, and it played Olakira’s In My Maserati. I liked the song, and I was alone, so immediately, it started playing. I jumped on my feet, stepped out of the work desk, and started dancing.
When the song finished, I pressed the repeat button and danced again.
This has happened to me many times. It happened with other songs I loved too.
Other songs that could make me jump on my feet include Burna Boy — Wetin Man Go Do, Falz — La’vette — Clean Bandit ft Demi Lovato — Solo, and Dua Lipa — New Rules.
A Simple Action, Powerful Effect
This example is a short burst of action that could make you feel better in an hour or two.
So take a cue from what is happening around you.
You hear a song, and you feel like dancing, by God, dance.
No one is watching you. No one is going to judge how bad your steps are.
You smell roasted fish while on your way home. Ah, I am feeling like eating roasted fish. So what is stopping you?
But one of the problems with lonely people is that you ask too many questions when you shouldn’t.
Who asks what kind of moves you make to a song when you are alone in your living room?
Why are you still sitting on the couch like a tired puppy? Your mind has been telling you to watch a movie. So why are you doing this to yourself, for God’s sake?
Some might say that I can’t listen to my mind all the time.
Ade, please, I have work to do. I have bills to pay.
Well, you are right.
If you are not feeling lonely, please listen to your mind and obey your gut. But if you are feeling lonely, and your mind is telling you a thing, but you are not doing it, you will end up miserable doing other things against your will. Trust me. I have been there.
Picking a Solution From Somone’s Else Experience
Before we continue, let’s address something.
One problem with people seeking solutions from reading a book or a blog post like this one is that they want a perfect guide.
Unfortunately, there is no perfect guide in this world.
Let me explain.
No one can give you a guide on how they live their lives and expect you to follow it to the last prescription. You are not a robot. You are human. It means you were born different with your DNA, background, hereditary, and current situation.
So, one rule of thumb is to ask: what can I pick from this right now and apply it to my current situation?
Pick that one thing and continue living. Keep at it. You will try the rest as you go.
You might read 490 pages of a book, and you can only apply an idea that is two lines. That’s okay. Keep going. Greatness is always a process, but if you are looking for a manual, if your thought process is “after reading this one book, my life will never remain the same again,” then you have started wrongly.
You should start with, “what can take from this, that can help me right now.” There you go. You are on a good start.
Doing Things You Don’t Enjoy Because You Want to Belong
I was listening to Chimamanda Adichie chatting with Ebuka. (By the way, that’s one of the things I do with my alone time. It’s something suggested by Teju Cole, and I love doing it.)
I adore Chimanmada, and Ebuka is good with what he does — interviewing people.
“So, what do you do for leisure?” Ebuka asked during the interview.
“I read,” Chimamanda replied.
“I mean what do you do when you are not working.”
“I said I read.”
The conversation leads to a rift of laughter between the two.
A lot of people consider reading as work. Now, Chimamanda is saying her leisure activity is reading.
But isn’t that strange?
No, it’s not.
Now, imagine Chimamanda as a younger girl. She lives where other kids play outdoors as their leisure activity. When they want to do something for leisure, they watch movies or go out to play all the time. What do you think will happen if she is forced to join others? Or, let’s say she always forces herself to join others?
And that’s something you need to ask yourself honestly.
You Are Lonely. What Do You Wish or Want to Do?
So my question to you who want to know to be happy alone is, what will give you joy?
Not what should people want you to do?
Maybe you are not in the right place at a particular moment in your life, and you start to separate yourself from the majority. You see what you love doing as abnormal. You want to dance, but no one else is dancing, so you sit down. You want to go out and run the yard, but people are making money in their rooms, so you stay indoors. You love writing and reading, but you don’t want people to think you are dull or boring, so you jump out and follow what others are doing.
You are doing all of us a disservice. Maybe if you listen to yourself a lot more, you will become, for instance, a better mathematician. And the world needs that.
The world needs people who enjoy what they do and are 101% interested in what they do. It creates more happy people. This happiness can go around and become contagious.
Create A Balance
Humans have responsibilities. Sometimes, you have to do what you want to do at this time. It’s a responsibility.
Work is a responsibility. As I have said, all you need is a balance. And humans are, of course, social beings, and we can’t survive without one another. Who would make my cloth? Who would treat my broken tooth?
The terms society and family aren’t created from solitary living. Socialize often and do what you love often. All you need is a balance.
People Who Feel They Are in a Wrong Place
I used to care about how people perceived me too. I used to feel lonely. Being alone while your friends are going to parties, having fun with the opposite sex, and getting attention could make you feel like an outcast.
Yeah, in some situations.
I grew up in a small place. When I was young, I wanted to talk about how to grow financially and mentally. I wanted to discuss ideas that can contribute to how we see the world and how we can improve ourselves. I tried, but I kept meeting young people who were uninterested in what I had to say. Instead, those people were more interested in bedding girls, starting a farm, starting a family in their early twenties, or playing football.
I wasn’t in for that.
It doesn’t make a better or wiser. My plans just didn’t look like theirs.
Maybe you are in a place where you feel people don’t understand you. It is normal to want to seclude yourself, to take yourself out of every other person’s business.
It’s like living with persistent sadness. You can’t have to overcome that before you understand how to be alone and happy.
It doesn’t mean you are so special or so different. It is just that you have not found your tribe yet.
Things will change dramatically and for good when you find people with the same views and ambitions as you.
But for now, you have to wait or find them.
I encourage you to keep finding your way in this world, and you will find your like-minds soon. When you do, you will realize how life can be more interesting. It’s great to have people to whom you can pour your mind, and the room will cheer your ideas instead of being silent or staring like you are crazy. You will realize how amazing it can be to come up with topics and how nice it feels to have discussions with people who see things the way you see them.
Using Relationship To Solve Loneliness
Another common problem people have when they feel lonely is that they think having a partner is the solution. So they desperately try to start a relationship with someone.
They are horny, or they need someone they could talk to (and both are valid issues that need attention). Humans have needs and feelings that must be met.
And there is nothing wrong if your goal of meeting someone is clear and the same as theirs.
Sadly, many people lie about it. For example, they lie about wanting a relationship, love, or marriage. In contrast, one person is just horny, and the other misunderstands the intention.
I am not saying this is the reality of every relationship. I am saying many lonely people try to use other people as comfort. And it is not a bad idea if the other person knows and accepts. However, lonely people trick their partners into believing what’s not true.
You are not solving the problem of how to be alone and happy. You are creating more problems for yourself.
The burden of a one-sided relationship can ruin the other person when they find out the truth.
Overdependence on Relationship
Another issue is thinking that the company of another person will bring happiness.
Don’t get me wrong. You can be happy when you date a great person.
The problem is when all your source of happiness comes from one person. They are the battery to your happiness, and a little misunderstanding can ruin and create terrible consequences for you mentally.
The truth is if you aren’t happy being alone, you won’t be happy being with someone else. You will almost treat the person like a god responsible for your happiness.
Yes, another human can change your life, making you feel as happy as you have ever felt. But you will put too much responsibility on them in terms of your happiness that you will probably feel like a burden.
And if something goes wrong, I hope you will find the strength to bounce back.
How to Manage Being Alone: Things You Can Do
This section contains ideas and patterns you need to follow to live a happier life when living solitarily.
For example, if you feel lonely all the time you are by yourself, you can change that. You can live alone, say you have just moved to a new city, and find it hard to make new friends.
While you wait for that to happen, the meeting people, new friends especially, who would light up your life like giant candles, read this section to know how to prepare for that new, wonderful feeling.
Become the person they would want to hang out with by becoming happy alone.
I know this might sound a bit strange to many people.
You mean I should read when I have a lot of work.
Read? You say I should read when all I have bills to pay and everything around me is designed to frustrate me. I am lonely, and you are asking me to read?
If you say the above, it shows a bigger problem. The reason for your loneliness is money. What you need is how to make money. When you get that money, you can return to how alone and happy. This post will still be here. You might not even need it anymore.
Another reason is you are not a reader, and I am somehow afraid of you and your kind of living.
You need the knowledge to get by in this life. You can consciously get that knowledge, or it will be thrown at you.
You need to think for yourself. You need to know when external things influence you in a way you don’t like. And to do that, you need to actively invest in how you think—not thinking by accident — thinking by what life throw at you.
And I am telling you there are different ways you can learn to reprogram your mind, just that books are so easy and slow in terms of how you assimilate simple lessons. You will start observing your own life and find what you have been doing wrong.
I said there are other ways to learn to reprogram your mind and be smarter in how you approach situations. Let’s see some of them.
If you start a business, keep at it, and succeed eventually, you are better than the average bookworm that’s consuming every piece of information in your field.
You are the field. The reader is consuming you, literally. A lot will happen during your business success that will change your perception about things and life generally. You will become smarter in the business with time.
But the journey can be tougher when you are not a great thinker or an active reader.
Do you live with smart people or work with them? These individuals may be naturally smart people too, or they are born smart or have also been influenced by smart people. If you live with them, their lifestyle unconsciously influences you. It also is better than reading.
You are seeing smartness and intelligence in action. That’s great. To clarify, reading Steve Jobs’s Biography is not as great as being his P.A for six months.
I have seen curious people who don’t read, but they are smart. How? They are extroverted, and they meet a lot of people. And if you constantly meet and make friends with smart people, you will be smart, no doubt.
This is the way of life. The things and people in our lives influence us, whether we admit it or don’t.
Is this still related to how to be happy alone?
Yes, we are talking about reading
But reading is deliberate. It is conscious. It is how you approach your life one day and one book page at a time. If you want to live happily, read. If you want to get rich, read. You want to learn how to be happy alone. You’re reading now. Aren’t you? Reading helps you acquire skills and thoughts that can help you with the problem a lot better.
Some of the people who dislike reading want a lot too soon. They think short-term.
They pick a book, say, the Millionaire Next Door. They want to become a millionaire by finishing the book in two days, as if reading the book will add more figures behind the $1000 in their bank account.
They want something easy. Something magical.
I shake my head when they talk about how reading is meaningless. I am happy to tell you, dear reader, that the benefit is long-term. And first of all, if you read often, you are so content and happy with your life that people look at you and say he is so calm with life. You are so calm with yourself. You rarely feel pressure like everyone else, and when you do, you are faster to return to being calm than others.
No Reading Isn’t a Substitute for a Boring Life
You still have to act.
So I once read a book, The Almanac of Naval Ravikant. The ideas are great, and I am telling you that I started thinking about myself as an entrepreneur, and I am rethinking how to get more money.
Charge more for my service as a content writer:
- To charge more, I need proof
- To charge more, I need clients that will pay more.
- Sell something passive. I am a writer. So what can I sell? A book? A script?
Then I get to work.
This is the product.
I initially wanted to publish this as an ebook.
Did the book influence me? Yes, I was.
So this post was supposed to be a book earlier. It had been on my mind since 2021 after the lockdown. I was in the northern part of the country, serving my father’s land. I had just moved to a new city and was lonely. I wanted to write it as a guide or story of how I manage that loneliness.
But when you look at the point, I said, oh yeah, it’s time, I need to write this now, it was after that a book.
Now that is that.
The advantage of reading is a consciousness of thoughts and actions. You are more deliberate with what you think about. You know what you are doing right, the ideas that work for you.
#2. Commit to Self Improvement
You have to commit to improving yourself.
You must believe that greatness and mediocrity come from the same source: You.
Start with your mindset. I can’t help you change that. You can.
I said it at the beginning of this post: It starts with the mindset, and I tried to help you think differently about how to be alone and happy.
I had to put reading ahead of self-improvement so that you consider some great books.
Self-improvement is about becoming a better person generally. You want to improve physically, mentally, and spiritually.
Reading could improve you mentally. Other things like podcasts, videos, blog articles, traveling, and being to new cultures can improve your mentality too.
Hygiene Helps You Physically
Stay healthy and look good. Be selective of what you eat by not eating garbage. Stay tidy, not only because you want to attract people, but because it gives you a sense of accomplishment.
As James Clear said, “A simple set of actions is your passing complement on the person you want to become.”
Other things can make you a better person. Self-improvement, after all, is about improving your character and life, and there are many ways to do that.
Here are a few
- Wake up early
- Face some of your fears one at a time.
- Improve your skills
Keep improving yourself every day.
There are days when you can’t do any of the things you should do to improve your life. You might miss a workout or discover you can’t continue for days. That’s life.
It’s okay. Take a break.
But, when you wake up tomorrow, find all the good reasons to continue. That’s how champions keep their world going.
#3. Have a routine (Morning and Evening)
This guy is up to some stupid nonsense. I am a hustler, and he wants me to have a routine.
Hear me out.
The thing is, you already have a routine.
If you are an office worker, you wake up early and dash to the bathroom. You brush your teeth and then run after buses thirty minutes later.
That’s a routine.
For readers of this book, people who feel, maybe when you don’t have a job yet and what you do instead looks like this:
Open your eyes and regain consciousness of your environment. Pick a phone and read the news or check Twitter. Go to a job site and search for jobs. Keep reading nonsense till the time is far spent. Then you eat processed food, and then, good afternoon.
How about you change that?
Look at This Routine:
Wake up. Say a short prayer. Pick your phone, which has been in airplane mode since last night, and read a book. Then, sit up and do 20 push-ups. Then, good morning.
Take control of your life.
Be deliberate about what you want to do at certain times. For example, you want to feel energized every morning, so structure your morning the best way you can.
It is one of the ways to be your own best friend.
#4. Listen to Music/podcast
Your mind is like a clock and won’t stop working unless you are dead.
Research says your mind is active even when you are asleep.
Well, that’s very true.
What goes on in your mind is not something you can control; how you control what food to eat or clothes to wear. But you can influence it in a certain direction.
Music and podcasts are some of the ways you control what goes on in your mind.
Invest in premium music subscriptions. YouTube music is my favorite. Your first month is free.
You’re not paying for the music. Instead, you are investing in tranquil and blissful sounds all day long without needing to create a playlist the time. Instead, the app picks your interest over time or plays related songs to the one you choose to play.
For podcasts, I use Spotify. I only listen to a few of them daily. Joe Rogan Podcast, Naval podcast, and My First Million Podcast are great.
When Bad Things Happen, and You Are Sad
When things don’t go your way —and it will happen, whether you’re lonely or not — you need to admit it.
This is normal. It’s part of life.
One of the things you can do is have someone you can call. It always helps. It doesn’t mean you’re independent. It means you know when you need help. You’re smart.
#5. Hold onto wise words
Now, because I’m an addict to quality books, essays, and articles, I always have something to meditate about and occupy my mind when I’m bored.
I am always reading people’s stories, especially individuals who have achieved a lot. I want to know what they think. I constantly ask myself, who has handled a thing better?
So when it comes to loneliness, I always think of emperor Marcus Aurelius.
Look at some of the quotes from his posthumously published book, Meditations:
If you are alone and angry at someone, this below should help:
When you wake up in the morning, tell yourself: The people I deal with today will be meddling, ungrateful, arrogant, dishonest, jealous, and surly. They are like this because they can’t tell good from evil. But I have seen the beauty of good, and the ugliness of evil, and have recognized that the wrongdoer has a nature related to my own—not of the same blood or birth, but the same mind, and possessing a share of the divine. And so none of them can hurt me. No one can implicate me in ugliness. Nor can I feel angry at my relative, or hate him. We were born to work together like feet, hands, and eyes, like the two rows of teeth, upper and lower. To obstruct each other is unnatural. To feel anger at someone, to turn your back on him: these are obstructions.
If you are alone and lazy, this, too, should help.
Remember how long you’ve been putting this off, how many extensions the gods gave you, and you didn’t use them. At some point you have to recognize what world it is that you belong to; what power rules it and from what source you spring; that there is a limit to the time assigned to you, and if you don’t use it to free yourself it will be gone and will never return.
If you are lonely and the thoughts in your head aren’t helping matters.
Don’t waste the rest of your time here worrying about other people—unless it affects the common good. It will keep you from doing anything useful. You’ll be too preoccupied with what so-and-so is doing, and why, and what they’re saying, and what they’re thinking, and what they’re up to, and all the other things that throw you off and keep you from focusing on your own mind.
You can read this excerpt further:
You need to avoid certain things in your train of thought: everything random, everything irrelevant. And certainly everything self-important or malicious. You need to get used to winnowing your thoughts, so that if someone says, “What are you thinking about?” you can respond at once (and truthfully) that you are thinking this or thinking that. And it would be obvious at once from your answer that your thoughts were straightforward and considerate ones—the thoughts of an unselfish person, one unconcerned with pleasure and with sensual indulgence generally, with squabbling, with slander and envy, or anything else you’d be ashamed to be caught thinking.
#6. Invite People into your life
I need to remind you not to get too attached to being alone, that you become too addicted. It can make it difficult to invite people into your life, even when you know you should.
You are a social being, and having awesome people in your will make you reach the stars and skies while you’re still alive.
So do yourself a favor. Whenever you think someone is good for you, talk to them. Tell them they are awesome and invite them into your life.
Start a conversation. Say hello, you look good. I will be glad to meet you again just to say hello.
Invite people into your life. You never can tell.
#7. Go out & visit the same happy place
You will make new friends if you go out often and hang out in a particular place.
I used to visit a bar while I was in the north. I just moved there, so I was looking for new excitement. It was a lively place to eat, dine, watch football, and meet football enthusiasts. You could throw sports banter with a stranger while grilled meat and the aroma of pork fill your nostrils.
I would go there twice or thrice a week. It felt like being a member of a club or something. Gradually, I made friends because I met some people repeatedly. It happened smoothly. I saw this guy last night, and we watched the same match. He was supporting the opponent. We argued about the team. We met again today, and he ordered the same bottle of beer while I held the same brand of Yogurt I used to have. He offered to pay for my meat. I would do the same when we meet one day.
This could happen in the gym, church, bars, or workplace — if you allow it.
So I am begging you to try, especially when your mind is cool with that person and the vibe is green, overly green.
Sex and Being Alone
The topic of sex is always weird to discuss in public.
Sorry, I am the last person to pick a microphone at an event and start talking about… sex…
Like sex, really?
So how do you manage sex when you’re alone or lonely
There are four ways:
- Sex workers
- Dating someone who wants the same sexual expectations
I don’t have much to say about celibacy, but it’s hard.
The last option is perfect but can be difficult for men.
The sex workers option isn’t for women. Women have a higher chance of having sex partners (until they become older, say 60 and above. Forgive me if that number isn’t correct. I’m male and in my thirties). Something like having flings is what women do in this case.
You don’t want to choose a sexual activity without knowing what is at stake. Have conversations with a few older people and get their opinions.
If you search for “what is like to be celibate” + “Reddit,” you will get some opinions that can give you different perspectives. I only said this because sex is so difficult to talk about publicly. You can’t talk about it for long without discussing other sensitive topics like morals, religion, identity, etc.
So I recommend taking your time to understand the pros and cons of each option you will take here before you do.
Happy Alone Can be Achieved With The Right Mindset
I can say this about people who are alone and happy: they care about many tiny beautiful things: Exercise, hygiene, good food, good music, beauty routine, morning routine, a clear mind, what they think about, and where their attention goes.
Many people have the concept of a guy that’s alone as some jerk who has a messy room and doesn’t have a life. Don’t be that guy. Instead, commit to activities that help you become a better person mentally, physically, and socially.
I’m not generalizing here. I’ve worked you through the process, and now it’s up to you.
Take action. I promise you will get somewhere more calming and fulfilling.
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